5 minutes more and a little breathing room!

I struggle with the idea of self, I know I am not the first person nor will I be the last person to have this struggle. But I want to be comfortable with who I am. I know right now that I am not. Day by day I have to repeat my goals to myself like a mantra. I am doing well with this and am making progress. To my surprise after my husband read my blog, was over come with grief, partly for the state that we have arrived at and partly for his own well being. He thinks so much about the future and the past but rarely the present. Here in the present we have two wonderful babies, he is well and right now I am completing my fourth year at school. He doesn't think of what his health is right now but rather what it will some day come to. He is dying at a much faster rate, there is no submission for this disease, you have it or you don't. My husband and I are carrying different weights. He wants to make sure we are provided for and I have to imagine life with out him, as a father and a husband. Until he succumbs, for many years he'll be like another child. My fear for the future is having to take care of him but as much as I want to prepare for it I don't want it smother my present. I am now back at school. I have a little studio that is just mine! No babies there, but the evidence of them is undeniable. My sculptures resemble small eggs, they are fragile and translucent and need great care. The language that I use to describe them further enforces the idea of my babies- growing- dividing- womb- egg- etc. So this is my progress. I am getting more time to myself and that is allowing me room to breathe and take stock as well as concentrate. My over all goal is to take care of me so that I can do the best job of taking care of them. I am practicing art everyday, I am a lot more physically active during the days and I am the best mummy these babies have!