Let go!
Here's what I've done in the last few days: 1) Told my 40-something year old brother to stop behaving the way he is with our father, 2) "Advised' my husband what to do with the VIFF tickets he wasn't using, 3) Directed colleagues about how to do things better, 4) Pouted and moped because I wasn't doing things well enough.
Tomorrow I'm going to let go, step away and see just how well people manage without me telling them how to do things! I'm reminded of Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion, "And without much ado, we will all mudle through without you!"
I believe this is quite a Buddhist notion I've arrived at: accepting things as they are, accepting people as they are.
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I love what you're saying
I love what you're saying here, and I really hope you keep posting about it. I just wanted to suggest that disengagement can also be a form of control. You could do a little test by imagining how you'd feel if people carry on just fine without you, and how you'd feel if everything collapses. Is there a preference?
Sounds like what you're really doing is checking in with the motivation for your engagement and input. You say, "Told", "Advised", "Directed" as though they were inspired by a need to control, rather than a contribution of your (obvious, and much needed!) gift for being directive. So after accepting things as they are, the real trick is to then fully engage, skilfully and without attachment to the results.
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Oh, very interesting. Yes,
Oh, very interesting. Yes, disengaging could well be seen as a form of control with a 'Just you wait' demeanour. So I have checked in with myself to see how I'd feel: what I want to feel is that I'm not required to sort out, rescue, and make everything work well. Everyone in the world does not expect me to be the all-round fixer. I think I've taken the 'If it's meant to be, it's up to me' maxim too far.
As a second point: Yes, I'm directive. In terms of numerology I'm a 22/1. But my gift may not be construed as such by the recipient.
So I'm happy to relinquish 'control' both for myself and at the relief of those around me.
But you raise a nice point in your note in parentheses - maybe my directiveness needs re-routing, as suggested by Jan too: find something to control well.
But you know, I've read and re-read your last sentence and I don't know that I understand it: fully engaged? - without being in control? I can't wrap my head around that . . .
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People talk of "control" in
People talk of "control" in hushed whispers, in the same tone of voice they reserve for "money" and "power," as though it's part of our doppleganger evil psyche that we try not to let out.
Control is not a bad thing; inappropriate control is. We each have a need to feel in control, and when that need isn't fulfilled, we take it out on our spouses, friends, relatives.
So find some thing that is appropriate to control, and control it to perfection! That way, you'll be less tempted to control people.
That's my theory, and I'm stickin' to it. It's about the only thing I feel in control of these days... :-)